“I Should…”
By
Celeste Palermo, copyright 2004
Eliminate the phrase “I should” from your vocabulary. These words will torture you and make your life miserable. Inherent in the word ‘should” is an expectation that may be hard to live up to and, if unmet, will drive you crazy with guilt, frustration and a sense of unworthiness.
As a mother, there are infinite “should” possibilities: I should breastfeed, not bottle feed. I should prepare healthy meals everyday. I should love every minute of being a mom. I should be more organized. I should exercise every day. You get the idea. The problem is parenting is very different for everyone. “I should” generally leaves no wiggle room; it is optimistic, but not realistic. If you say to yourself, “I should do this because she did it,” you may not be comparing apples to apples. Adopting the “shoulds” of others (even your mother’s) not based on your needs is a guaranteed treadmill.
I am The Queen of “I should.” It is the source of most every frustration in my life, keeping me in a frantic state of motion. I tell myself, I should clean the house while the baby naps. Then the baby wakes. So I say, I should clean the house anyway, toting the baby in the front pack. My neighbor drops by to chat, so I talk with her and when she leaves, it is time to start dinner. I say, I should pick up the house while I make dinner. I put the baby in the swing, start the chicken and rice, and frantically pick up toys.
The phone rings; it a friend I have not talked to in six months. “Gosh, I haven’t called, but I’ve been so busy,” I say guiltily. I really don’t have time to talk, but I chat, holding the phone with one hand, picking up the house with the other, running back to the kitchen periodically to check on the baby and dinner. Soon the baby starts to cry, and but my friend is in tears over a boyfriend and I feel “I should” listen. So I tend my baby and my friend until I smell smoke and realize the rice is burning and the chicken is shriveled.
At that moment, my husband comes home. I have a messy house, a crying baby, a forlorn friend, and no dinner. I am exhausted, frustrated, and in tears myself.
“What’d you do all day?” he asks, looking at the crazy scene before him. (This is when “I should” punch him in the nose.)
I suggest we mothers revamp our vocabulary and replace the word should with the word hope: I “hope” to breastfeed. I “hope” to pick up the house. I “hope” to maintain my sanity in these first years of motherhood. By using the word hope, you let yourself off the hook if you fail to reach your goal. You create a guilt-free zone for shortcomings and unanticipated circumstances…you are free to enjoy parenting and life just a little bit more.
If, however, like me, you must use the words, “I should” due to a disposition toward perfectionism or just habit, may I also suggest trying a few of these: I should realize parenting is tough and things often don’t go as planned. I should take more time for myself. I should forgive myself when I don’t achieve my goals. I should trust God when things go wrong…and right.
I “hope” this helps. I think it should.
**Note: This column first appeared in the column “For the Girls” on www.sarahsmiley.com.
