Husband Horror and Breastfeeding
By
Celeste Palermo, copyright 2004
Breastfeeding is a miracle of God. It is an inexpensive feeding option that provides perfect nutrition with no preparation time and is a great way to bond with your baby. Most physicians, midwives, and nurses advocate breastfeeding, as do I…but it is not as easy and picture perfect as you might think. Let me lay it out for you:
Truth #1: Your breasts may triple in size. My husband thinks my new physique is better than TIVO, but I disagree. My shirts no longer fit; they are too short and don’t button. Since I won’t waste money on a lot of clothes I will not wear after I stop nursing, my current wardrobe consists of many Target T-shirts…while my pre-pregnancy blouses remain on the shelf.
Truth #2: Nursing bras are ugly. I mean really ugly and the only color I have ever found is white, usually with copious amounts of lace. These bras resemble the slingshot brassieres my grandmother used to hold up at garage sales. The cups are the size of cantaloupes, built for support. They work, but are not pretty, especially when covered in yellow milk stains, which leads me to my third point…
Truth #3: Your breasts may leak. Miss a feeding and you dish out the meal anyway…right into your bra. You will hate the soggy, sticky feeling, but get used to it. I need only think of my daughter or hear her cry and…it’s Chow Time! My breasts gush milk, leaving wet rings on my shirt. Breast pads are somewhat absorbent and effective, but unless your bra is padded or you are wearing a thick wool sweater, these pads are visible. On top of it all, I look like I am stuffing my bra. While I admit I once did this to enhance my seventh-grade non-bustline, I absolutely do not need padding now.
Truth #4: Your breasts may spray. Now this only happened to me once, but I am warning you for the record. Attempting to regain some intimacy after our first daughter was born, my husband and I went away for the weekend. Following a nice dinner and some Jacuzzi time, we returned to our room. As the mood steamed up, my two fire hydrants started to spray, cooling off my husband and quickly extinguishing the mood.
“You are spraying milk all over me!” my husband cried in horror.
“I can’t help it!” I screamed as I ran to the bathroom for a towel. I was mortified. The mood was lost. We decided to rent a movie for a comic diversion.
Truth #5: Pumping is not pretty. If you plan to breastfeed for any length of time, a breast pump is a necessary evil. Though pumps are excellent at helping express milk, they are not visually appealing devices. With my breasts pressed into plastic collection cones, the pressure of the pump stretches my nipples like fresh gum stuck to the bottom of a shoe. While I try to pump in private, sparing my husband the sight, sometimes time dictates otherwise. I have pumped while applying make-up, eating a grilled cheese, and talking on the phone. It is not a pretty picture, but it is multitasking at its best…or so I think.
Truth # 6: You may get stretch marks. If you think they occur only during pregnancy, you are mistaken. Wait until your breasts grow as fast as the Grinch’s heart: three sizes in one day. After making it through the pregnancy with minimal striations, when my milk came in my breasts became candy-cane striped. Don’t worry; these marks fade over time. Besides, you cannot see them when you are wearing your attractive nursing bra.
Truth #7: Babies get teeth. Depending on how long you breastfeed, your child may cut teeth while you are still nursing. One good chomp may be motive enough to wean, but you may successfully nurse until after your little one has a whole mouth full of enamel. Either way, take this as a point of caution and beware.
Truth #8: When all is said and done, your breasts will magically disappear. Well, it’s not really magic...but they do disappear. The weaning process can be quite uncomfortable. (And if you, like me, put cabbage leaves in your bra to help relieve engorgement, quite smelly, too). Miraculously, your breasts shrink to the size of a pacifier; however, your nipples are now so long they look like part of an ancient tribal exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Have I scared you? I hope not. Despite all the awkward and unsightly drawbacks, nursing is well worth the effort. After giving birth, I am guessing the rigors of breastfeeding will not faze you. When you think about it, nursing is just another example of how perfectly God created us. We are able to nurture our babies with the nutrition they need from our own bodies. We can soothe and bond through breastfeeding. (We can also soothe and bond with our infants through bottle feeding…but then you miss out on the leaking and saggage. What fun is that?
